


break through the gate of memory

by myrddinthewizard



Series: remember me (and the memories i can never escape) [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: ANGST ALL THE WAY, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, No Fluff, Post-Canon, Post-Episode: s05e13 The Diamond of the Day, Sorry Not Sorry, i just love to make them suffer don't you?, if you don't include the season 6 script, takes place right after the last ep, this could be canon for all you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:08:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28680840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myrddinthewizard/pseuds/myrddinthewizard
Summary: As much as Merlin hated to admit it, their friendship had started to wither once Gwen became queen. Gwen wasn’t the only one who changed, though. She wasn’t the only one to blame. Merlin knew exactly what he had become the past few years.The weight of his destiny had pressured Merlin into a man he wasn’t sure he was entirely proud of. His goals had narrowed and focused on ArthurArthurArthur. And with Arthur gone and Merlin having failed in something that he gave nearly everything for, Merlin wasn’t sure what his purpose was anymore.prequel to'a life worth remembering'
Relationships: Gwaine/Percival (Merlin), Gwen & Merlin (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Minor Gwen/Leon (in need of heir; not romantically), past Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (bc arthur's dead)
Series: remember me (and the memories i can never escape) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025022
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	break through the gate of memory

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin BCC
> 
> prequel to ['a life worth remembering'](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27686339/chapters/67754492)

> _O Merlin in your crystal cave  
>  Deep in the diamond of the day,  
>  Will there ever be a singer  
>  Whose music will smooth away  
>  The furrow drawn by Adam's finger  
>  Across the memory and the wave?  
>  Or a runner who'll outrun  
>  Man's long shadow driving on,  
>  Break through the gate of memory  
>  And hang the apple on the tree?  
>  Will your magic ever show  
>  The sleeping bride shut in her bower,  
>  The day wreathed in its mound of snow  
>  and Time locked in his tower?_
> 
> \- Edwin Muir

Merlin watched the sunrise above the lake, blurring the reds and yellows into green and blue. The ground was cold and hard and the air blew harshly against his face. He hadn’t returned to Camelot yet. Percival had left the day before, with the news about Arthur. Merlin couldn’t bear being the one to tell Gwen. To tell Gwen that he had failed in the one thing he had dedicated his entire life to. Gwaine was dead too. Percival had practically collapsed against Merlin when he’d told him. Merlin didn’t exactly register that fact until weeks later. They mourned together before Percival moved on. Merlin didn’t.

He returned to Camelot two days later. Two days of watching and waiting and praying that everything had just been a terrible nightmare. Wishing and pleading that Arthur would walk by and drop next to Merlin, giving him that infuriatingly gorgeous smirk. He would tease Merlin about being a girl and ruffle his hair. Then give him a soft smile that said all the words Merlin knew Arthur would never say out loud.

_Thank you._

Two words. Everything Merlin had ever wanted from Arthur. But it wasn’t enough. Merlin truly didn’t know what he had wanted him to say. What would make him satisfied. He didn’t think anything would.

Merlin trudged through the dull streets of Camelot. The citadel was empty and not a soul was to be seen. When he entered the throne room, Gwen was alone. She was seated on her throne, her crown weighing heavy on her head. Merlin could still remember the days when they were young. She was his first friend. With her genuine smiles and stumbling words and blushing cheeks, Merlin was in love instantly.

Staring at the women sitting upon the throne, Merlin realized how much she had changed. Her chin was high and her jaw was filled with tension. Her eyes no longer held that soft spark and instead were filled with misery. Merlin walked forward and his knees buckled the moment he was in front of her. 

His knees cracked against the hard floor but Merlin could barely feel the pain. His head bowed automatically and he found himself wishing that they were back when everything was simpler. When their friendship was stronger. As much as Merlin hated to admit it, their friendship had started to wither once Gwen became queen. Gwen wasn’t the only one who changed, though. She wasn’t the only one to blame. Merlin knew exactly what he had become the past few years. The weight of his destiny had pressured Merlin into a man he wasn’t sure he was entirely proud of. His goals had narrowed and focused on ArthurArthurArthur. And with Arthur gone and Merlin having failed in something that he gave nearly everything for, Merlin wasn’t sure what his purpose was anymore.

Gwen was silent. She slipped gracefully off her throne to kneel before Merlin. Before Merlin could say anything, Gwen had wrapped her arms around him and suddenly Merlin was crying and he couldn’t stop. “I failed, Gwen. I couldn’t save him. I—”

Gwen shushed him and let Merlin spew his apologies, barely coherent among the sobs tearing themselves from Merlin’s throat. After what felt like hours, Merlin had quieted down. His cries had reduced to sniffles and Gwen slowly pulled away.

She cupped his face and pulled his forehead to rest against hers. “Don’t ever blame yourself. You did everything you could.”

Merlin shook his head. “I should've gone after Mordred. I never should have let him live. I had the chance—”

“Merlin, no. You could go on forever about what you could’ve done to save him. Nothing would have worked. You know that. You should know, better than anyone, that destiny is a cruel thing. You cannot blame yourself for something you never could have prevented.”

Merlin let out a shaky laugh. “When did you become so wise?”

Gwen smiled softly. God, Merlin hadn't seen that smile on her face in a long time. “I talked to Gauis. He told me some very interesting things.”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve told you—” Merlin started.

“Don’t ever apologize to me again, Merlin. Never. I don’t want to hear it.” Gwen gripped his jaw almost painfully. “There’s probably nothing I could ever do to repay you. You’ve done so much for me and for Camelot. Or more specifically, for Arthur.”

Merlin snorted. “Will you ever stop interrupting me?”

“Only if you stop saying stupid things.” Gwen countered.

The two of them fell silent. Their knees started to ache and they both knew that the castle would be up and about in under an hour. They didn’t move for a while.

-~-~-

“You’re leaving.”

Merlin froze. He shoved the last of his belongings into his bag and turned to face Gwen. He didn’t bother denying it.

Gwen’s face hardened and Merlin hated it. Over the past few weeks, they had become closer than ever, confiding in no one but each other. Merlin hated to see Gwen close herself up again. Merlin took in a deep breath. “I can’t stay here.”

“Why not?” Gwen demanded, stepping forward. “This is your home. I’m in the process of legalizing magic. You’ll be free.”

Merlin smiled sadly. “I know. And I’m so proud of what Camelot is becoming. The golden age is upon us and you, my lady, will be the one to lead us.”

Gwen scoffed. “I didn’t do anything. You and Arthur brought about the golden age. I’m only doing what has to be done.”

“And I’m blessed to have been here to see it.”

“You haven’t seen anything! Merlin, you can’t leave. Camelot needs you. I—” Gwen cut herself off. She looked devastated, her eyes frantically searching Merlin’s face for something. Whatever it was, she found it. She took a stumbling step back. “No. I’m sorry. I can’t—, I mean, I have no right to—”

She took in a shaky breath. “Where will you go?”

Merlin blinked at the sudden change in Gwen’s tone. All the fight had left her eyes and she seemed resigned to her fate. He steeled himself. “I’m not sure. I want to explore. See the world. Learn more about who I am and why I’m here. You know?”

Gwen studied him and Merlin met her gaze, pushing down all the guilt of leaving to the bottom of his stomach. She was silent for a moment before replying. “Ok. Just… I want you to know that you always have a home here. And if you’re ever willing to come back…”

Gwen twisted her fingers together, stumbling over her words. “Just do me one favor?”

Merlin stepped forward. “Yeah?”

Gwen glanced up. Unshed tears were shining in her eyes and Merlin was flashed back to his first year in Camelot. When Gwen was just a serving girl and was first accused of sorcery. The image was still vivid in Merlin’s mind, even after all these years. Gwen had her hands around the bars and looked up at Merlin, moments away from crying. And the two words she said that day echoed in his mind. “Remember me.”

Merlin dropped his bag and grabbed Gwen’s hands, forcing her to look at him. “I promise you that I will never forget you. Never. Do you hear me? You are never alone. If you _ever_ need anything, please, don’t hesitate to call me. No matter how insignificant it is, I will be there. I promise you.”

Merlin pulled off her neckerchief and balled it up in hand. He wrapped Gwen’s fingers around it and whispered a spell. The red cloth molded into a gem beneath Gwen’s fingers. Merlin pressed the gem further into her hand. “If you ever need me, hold this in your hand and yell for me. It doesn't matter if it’s out loud or in your head. I will hear you. And I'll be here.”

Gwen twisted the gem in her hands. Something shimmered in her eyes. Something Merlin couldn’t quite read. She pulled her hands back. “Go. Be safe, Merlin.”

Merlin hesitated a moment, before grabbing his bag again. He stepped forward and kissed Gwen’s cheek. “Goodbye, my lady.”

And Merlin was gone.

_~-~-~_

_“In life, you always have a choice._

_Sometimes it’s easier to think that you don’t”_

Guinevere couldn’t remember the last time she was so angry. She prided herself on not letting her emotions get the better of her as queen. But when Merlin gave her a small smile and disappeared, leaving her nothing but a red gem and a broken kingdom to rule over, Gwen was furious. Over the past couple of weeks, Gwen’s entire life had fallen apart. Her husband, her partner, her _king_ , died and for some reason, Merlin took that to mean that he died as well. 

Gwen knew exactly what Merlin and Arthur had and exactly what it felt to lose the man you were in love with. Gwen wasn’t stupid. She knew how Merlin had looked at Arthur and how Arthur had looked at Merlin. It was the same way Gwen and Lancelot used to look at each other. She had resigned herself to her marriage and though it was unspoken, Gwen and Arthur had always known that their entire hearts weren’t given to each other.

For Merlin to consider himself a failure hurt Gwen more than she could express. And although every part of her ached to call for Merlin to come back and never leave her again, she couldn’t. It would be selfish of her to expect Merlin to stay with her. After everything that he’d done for Camelot, god knows that the boy deserved a break.

Once she became queen, Gwen had locked off her emotions. She refused to become that bumbling, blushing girl she once was. Merlin’s words flashed back at her. _You are never alone._ Bullshit. Being queen was one of the loneliest things you can be. And now without her king and her knights and her friends, she was lonelier than ever.

She clenched the gem in her hand and before she knew what she was doing, she hurled it towards the wall. It shattered into millions of red shards. Gwen didn’t know when she started crying. Her knees buckled under her and she crashed to the ground. She dug the heels of her palms into her eyes and tucked her legs into her chest. It was hard to think that just a couple of months ago, she had a whole family around her. And now, she had lost everything in a matter of days.

_~-~-~_

Gwen’s hands trembled. She raised her chin and searched the crowd before her. Her eyes caught on Leon, who was at the front like he always was. He smiled. It didn’t reach his eyes but something about it sparked her confidence. She was wrong. Maybe she didn't have as much as she had before, but she still had Leon, her oldest friend. The boy she had grown up with. And for right now, that was enough.

She leaned forward and signed the legal document that declared magic legal. Her sign was shaky and raw as she looped through and folded it up. "The ban on magic is hereby repealed." She whispered, more to herself than anything but her words echoed across the dead silent court.

The crowd burst into applause, thundering across the hall. Gwen couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face. There was still a lot to be done, but for now, Gwen was satisfied. No longer would her people have to live in fear.

Leon approached her. Gwen leaned over the railing, watching Camelot bustle beneath her. Leon dropped his hand over hers, squeezing it gently. 

“Hello, my lady.”

Gwen looked up at Leon. “None of that. It’s Gwen.”

Leon inclined his head slightly. “What’s on your mind?”

Gwen sighed, clenching her fingers around the concrete wall. “I need a court sorcerer. I don’t know anything about magic, Leon. Gaius is too old to take on such a job and he’s already busy as a court physician. I just… I don’t know what to do.”

“I think you do, Gwen.” Leon's voice was soft, his eyes as kind as she remembered.

Gwen pulled her hand away. “I can’t. I won’t. It would be so selfish. He deserves to—”

“Gwen. I understand. I do. But Merlin is more than capable of making his own decisions. How do you think he would feel? If he knew you were struggling like this. You know Merlin. He would drop everything to help you.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of. He never takes any time to himself. He’s the most selfless person I know. If I ask Merlin, he’ll come. Whether he wants to or not. And I can’t bear being the one to put more responsibilities on his shoulders.”

“Merlin was loyal to Camelot. You know that. He would never just leave you at a time like this.”

“Merlin was loyal to Arthur. Not Camelot.”

“Come on, Gwen. You know Merlin better than anyone I know. He’ll come back. He just needs some time to himself. But he’ll come back. He always does.”

Gwen chewed on her lip, anxiously. Leon pulled her hand. “Stop that. I thought you were over that habit."

They were silent for a moment. Gwen watched Leon carefully. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something. You don’t have to. It’s just that there’s no one I trust more. No one that I think would be more fit for the job.”

Leon raised an eyebrow. “What do you need?”

Gwen took in a slow breath, turning to face Leon completely. “I need a king. And I need an heir.”

_\--0-o-0--_

Merlin reached a trembling hand out. _Upastige draca._ The soft flames of the fire shifted into a roaring dragon. It was the same spell Merlin had used to reveal his magic to Arthur. Merlin gripped his knees. He watched, unaware of how long he had been sitting. He didn’t realize how angry he was until the fire had finally died out. The bitterness that had been swelling in his chest the moment he left Gwen. The moment he felt Gwen shatter the gem he had given her. The moment Merlin made the decision to not return the Camelot even after feeling all the frustration and sadness that emanated off of the lonely Queen. 

He pushed himself to his feet. Mustering all the strength in him, he called out. Yelling for the Great Dragon, uncaring when his voice cracked and rumbled with grief. He burst into a run, weaving his way to a nearby clearing. He barely had to wait a minute before Kilgharrah swooped down and landed gracefully, though it was obvious he was getting old and tired. The dragon dropped his head as a sign of respect and Merlin seethed. He didn’t know whether the respect came from the fact that Merlin was a dragonlord, or if it was because Merlin was a friend.

“Young Warlock.”

Merlin stared at the beast before him. He didn’t cry. God knows he’s done enough of that. He spoke softly, voice shaking, “You said, that everything I ever dreamt of building has come to pass. How? How?”

Merlin glared up at Kilgharrah. “He’s dead. Arthur’s gone. Nothing has come to pass. I failed. I failed because I- I lost it. I turned away Morgana and Mordred and- and the druids and why? For Arthur. Because you told me to kill Morgana and you told me that Mordred couldn’t live and you-”

Merlin cut himself off. His breath became shaky and he gripped his hair, whirling around. Shit. _Shit._ “What have I done? And now I’m abandoning Gwen and Gauis and Camelot and I don’t- I can’t-” 

Merlin swallowed roughly. His heart pounded in his ears and his mind was rushing at the speed of light because it was his fault. _Merlin’s fault._ Suddenly all the secrets and possibilities rushed to the surface because what would’ve happened if Merlin did trust Morgana. What would’ve happened if Merlin didn’t heal her and didn’t help Mordred when he was just a child pleading for help. If he did let Mordred be and didn’t rat him out to the king. What would've happened if Merlin hadn’t— _You could go on forever about what you could’ve done to save him._

Gwen’s words echoed in his mind. _Destiny is a cruel thing._ Even now, all Merlin could think about was Arthur. Arthur. _Arthur._ But none of it mattered. In the end, magic was legal and Gwen was the queen and Arthur was dead and Merlin was—Merlin standing here, screaming at a thousand-year-old dragon, crying like a little boy. 

“You seem troubled, old friend.” Kilgharrah settled onto his haunches, seemingly having nothing else to do or say.

Merlin scoffed bitterly. “That’s nothing new.”

Merlin collapsed onto the ground. He laid back and gazed up at the night sky. He spoke after several silent minutes, “What was my destiny?”

Merlin hated how small he felt. How his voice cracked on the last word.

“Your destiny is to bring about the golden age of Camelot. To help and to guide the Once and Future King to unite all of Albion.”

“Did I succeed?” Merlin whispered.

Kilgharrah gave a rumbling laugh. “No. You did not. But you did not fail, either. Life is not black and white. Success and failure are only two points on an entire spectrum. It is up to you to decide where you fall. And what comes next.”

“You said Arthur will rise again. When?”

“When Albion's need is greatest.”

Merlin sat up. “For once, in your goddamn life, can you give me a straight answer? Where is Albion? What is it? When will it’s need be greatest?”

“Do you know what your name means?” Kilgharrah asked, rested his head on the ground, watching Merlin with molten eyes.

“What Merlin means?”

“No. Your other name. Emrys.”

Merlin closed his eyes, leaning back against Kilgharrah’s scales. “I don’t.”

“Emrys means Immortal. One day, the Once and Future King will rise and when he does, you, Emrys, will be waiting for him.”

Part of Merlin had always known that couldn’t die. There were only so many near-death experiences before it became obvious. But hearing it from Kilgharrah made it all the more real. “My destiny’s not over?”

“That is for you to decide, young warlock. Do you want it to be?”

Ever since Merlin had first stepped into Camelot, he’d had a purpose. A use for his magic. And that was something Merlin had always dreamed of. But when Merlin thought back to the young, innocent, almost naive boy he’d been, Merlin realized how wrong he was. He’d ruined his own life and countless others in the process while trying to become someone he was not. He’d lost sight of his morals and his values as he shifted from that caring child to the ruthless man he had become. And he hated it. Merlin didn’t want to start thinking about what could have been had Merlin never met Kilgharrah. If Merlin had never found out what the future had in store. Merlin had lost sight of who he was. 

“Yes.” Merlin’s voice was barely a breath, but he knew Kilgharrah could hear him. “I’m so sick and tired of destiny and fate and whatever the hell the gods expect of me. I ruined my own life trying to save Arthur’s. I’ve ruined so many lives for what? I failed. Maybe not in the destiny I was told to have. But I failed in the density I believed myself to achieve. My purpose was to keep Arthur safe. And I-”

Merlin broke off, helplessly. After a few minutes of silence, he spoke up again. “Is just Arthur coming back? Or is everyone?”

“Anyone you wish. Arthur, Gwen, maybe even the knights. The witch maybe? The druid boy?”

“Arthur and Gwen will come back. So will the knights. Morgana… I feel like I failed her as well. And if I get a second chance then I’m going to take it. I’ll talk to her and for once in my life maybe I can forget about destiny.”

Kilgharrah hummed thoughtfully. “And the druid boy?”

“No.” Merlin didn’t hesitate. “I don’t care for him. He killed Arthur and that’s something I cannot forgive. He’ll reside in Avalon or wherever the hell he is for eternity.”

“You can find it in yourself to forgive Morgana, but not Mordred?” 

“I can’t. I know that he was just a child. I probably played a part in his destiny as well but- I’m sorry. I cannot forgive someone who killed Arthur. As selfish as it might be, that’s my decision. I'm uniting Albion, I'll decide who helps with its need.”

Merlin made a promise to himself. Whenever they rise again, he’ll be waiting. And he’ll apologize for everything. And maybe, just maybe, they can get their happily ever after. Without destiny or any stupid lizards to tell him what to do. He’ll make his own decision and would not fail his friends again.

“Go to sleep, Merlin. You’ll be safe. Figure out what you want to do in the morning.” Kilgharrah said. 

Merlin turned and tucked himself beneath his large wings. The ground was hard and cold. Merlin lay awake gazing at the stars. He couldn’t find it in him to sleep. Kilgharrah’s voice was but a soft murmur in the depths of his mind.

“It’s been a privilege to have known you, young warlock. I know you might not think the best of me, but I hope you find everything you’ve ever wanted. You have a thousand lifetimes to do it. I’ll give you one last piece of advice: you may be immortal, but never forget that others are not. Do not abandon those who don’t have as much time as you. You are destined to be alone. Do not put that same curse upon others.”

-~-~-

When Merlin woke up, he was alone. The sun was low in the sky and just rising above the forest that edged the clearing. Merlin turned, digging his fingers into the grass where Kilgharrah was the night before. Something in his chest ached and Merlin knew instantly what happened. As much as the Great Dragon had ruined his life, he couldn’t help but mourn the loss of an old friend. The loss of his brother. He was getting old and Merlin was only glad that he found his peace. Kilgharrah’s last words were etched in his mind. _You are destined to be alone. Do not put that same curse upon others._

Merlin made his decision. One of his deepest regrets was abandoning Aithusa. It was a bitter thought that the two beings he had betrayed the most banded together. Merlin rose to his feet. It was a large world and Aithusa was somewhere in it. And Merlin would find her. He was the only one who could. And then, he would return to Gwen. To his friends. To Camelot. To home. And he would stay there until the golden kingdom was nothing but ash.

_\--0-o-0--_

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this when I was half-way through ' a life worth remembering' because I got excited and now I finally can post it. It's literally pure angst that takes place after Arthur died. I was going to edit it a bit but I'm lazy so whatever.
> 
> I might continue this or I might not but for now, this is just an open-ended one-shot that connects to my other story.
> 
> hope you enjoyed it! <3
> 
> (side note: i am currently writing a mini-sequel w/ mordred bc you know, character development. and i couldn't just not resolve that so stay tuned!)


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